YELLOW BRICKS CAN BE DECEIVING.

shorterexcerpts:

katoleary:

• Know that her opinions come from experiences you have not had, and can never fully understand.
• Do not use this as a reason to dismiss her opinions; use this as a way to attempt to understand them.
• Give more consideration than you normally would when you are in a situation where you are the privileged one. No, this isn’t “special treatment.” It’s attempting to compensate for the fact that, like it or not, you have been socialized to unconsciously devalue the opinions of those who are not like you. So take a step back, and think really hard about it. We’re talking about your girlfriend, anyway; you should be affording her special consideration in the first place, because you respect her enough to want to be her partner — right?
• You can still disagree. Privilege doesn’t mean that your opinions and experiences must be erased, or that they cease to be valid.
• However: step carefully. If you think over things carefully, and decide that you know what, you just can’t agree with what she’s saying: make sure you are very careful in how you express that. Because, again, in our society, men are taught not to treat women as equals, but to dismiss them as hormonal, emotional, overreacting, irrational, etc. Even if you aren’t thinking those words, you may be communicating them to her when you huff, roll your eyes, fold your arms, smirk, etc. (And she has been taught to be very sensitive to those words or the implication of them, so trust me, she will catch the slightest hint of them, whether you intend to give that hint or not.) Your inflection and body language, and even words outright, may be telling her that, basically, you don’t give a shit. And a lot of the time, men actually don’t give a shit. So she may not be wrong when she gets that vibe from you. And depending on any number of factors, she may call you on it — or she may bury it inside, because she knows that if she reacts to it, you’re going to shoot her down, because most people honestly don’t want to admit that they don’t care about their partner’s feelings and opinions — even when they really don’t.
• SO: think hard before you open your mouth. And watch your body language when you are in an argument. You may be angry, but you need to make an effort to show that even though you two are not happy with each other right this minute, you still care about her.
• DON’T just say “OK” to anything she says, either because you are trying to compensate for privilege or because you’re trying to get her to shut up (trust me, she knows it — you’d be better off being honest on that matter, so she can call you on your disrespectful bullshit). That’s not respect. Quite the opposite. That’s failing to consider her argument at all — just bypassing it altogether. And that shit is just madmaking, and I wouldn’t blame her if she dumped your ass if you practiced it regularly.
• Remember that you are not in a contest. You are in a discussion. You are trying to work WITH your partner, not AGAINST her. When it’s a straight-out fight, you are trying to understand each other’s sides, and come to an agreeable conclusion for the both of you — which won’t happen if you’re just trying to “win.” When it’s a topical conversation, you’re sharpening your thinking and communication skills, working on understanding each other’s viewpoints, learning from one another, etc. — again, it’s not a contest you’re trying to “win.” It’s a conversation. Treat it that way.